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| MORE SPAM FOR THESE SHITTY SITES: the-elite.net - Liek ...one trillion n00bs served | usfbullshit.com - God-forsaken wasteland |
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The "Guesthouse" Where I'm from, places like these are called motels.... It was a nice, rustic little hotel, though. Reminder: 2 rooms, 2 beds, 7 dudes. |
Poison Charles got all this for free--NINE bottles. Notice the Goose, two Crowns, Gold Schlager... And I'm still amazed he got a hold of some Sam's Choice Cola. |
| .: And so it begins... | |
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Nap Fest 2005 Matt scored some hot Brazilian ass, but unfortunately it was Andrey. Again. |
Mocking Eli... ...though he wasn't even doing anything worthy of it. In a few hours he would be. |
| .: Monday night, somewhere on the strip | |
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Murda, postin' up. I get all teh womans. Look at Andrey; he knows. |
Ohhh yeeeah, I remember. ...This is why we drove way the fuck down here. (Those girls are standing on the bar.) |
| .: The alcohol is beginning to take effect | |
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"EZ Mack" "Come here often?" "I work here." "Kewl!" |
Karoakers, A-OK The bitch in the middle looks sexually depriven. As if we were going to do anything about it. Inaction was the theme this year. |
| .: It was only a matter of time. | |
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"The Bad Touch" ...by the Bloodhound Gang. Also known as "The Bad Choice" for karoake. These are the most complicated lyrics ever conceived. Good thing we were sober!!! |
Karao-NOT-OK Usually having your mouth open bears the best results when attempting to sing. We really did try, though. |
| .: Where's our hotel again? | |
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"Look what I stole!" Yep, drunk Eli copped himself a nice little walkie. From a security guard. Why? If he could remember, he'd probably tell you. |
"MacGyver, do you copy?" "KSSSSH. This is MacGyver. It is 3 AM and we have now successfully stolen 2 walkie talkies. Over." |
| .: Day 2 ("Why is the sun so bright?") | |
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"Pool" Shark The only way to cure a hangover is to hit the bottle early. Annnd DID we! |
WTF Scooters, mopeds, bikes, motorcycles, carts, go-karts, llamas, bobcats mounted with saddles... you name it and we saw it (Key West is zoo). Not sure what these girls are rollin', but I'm guessing it's like $900/hr. One girl (not pictured) was probably being kept in a cage as the deposit. |
| .: Staying busy until the sun goes down | |
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Not-So-Hard Rock Charles, Pat, and Randy... going to the gym or something. Kudos to Charles on his countable abs. |
Ass-kickers Beating down the strip like it owes us money. We just killed (another) hobo. |
| .: We gotta drink again? | |
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Freshening up And so night 2 begins. At this point I may've been taking shots of pure gasoline. It didn't matter. |
Fat Tuesday's Matt - Andrey - Derek. |
| .: Hobbit Rock | |
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Sloppy Joe's The lead singer of this band is a hobbit. |
Proof! Coincidence? I THINK NOT. This tool probably got ass anyway (for covering shitty songs from the 80s) |
| .: The night bears on... | |
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Smallest Bar in Key West The bartender is saying, "I only accept payment in the form of ass, out back. If you don't have it, get the hell out of my bar." Eli is considering the proposition. |
Look closely... ...Andrey hasn't failed to notice the two beer-sloshed hand humpers sucking face on the dance floor. |
| .: They were hotter, we swear | |
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Smirkers? I think Pat got a hand job or something. |
TURTLE POWER ...this shirt was a magnet for comments. I lured 'em in, then the guys swooped in for the kill. What happens in Key West, stays... err, goes online. PICS PLZ KTHX. |
| .: 4 AM curfew? Not bad | |
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Girls On Parade These guys covered Rage and ...stuff. Add chicks and a buzz and we were happy. Observe the vagrant bar rat to the left, getting an eyeful... Eli would later exercise rage against the security staff. |
The Guys. Derek (Zoolander, apparently), Matt (sedated), Charles (just bit someone's face off), Andrey (charmingly drunk), Randy (as himself) |
| .: Getting crunk. | |
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Keeping it real ...cuz someone's got to. |
HEY. Andrey and I were keeping it real fine without these guys. |
| .: The next morning.... | |
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You know what's coming... You're lookin' at the only pussy that was in our room all week. |
Just when you thought... ...this trip couldn't get any more hardcore -- we posed the Southernmost point. That colorful piece of concrete is OFF THA HIZZY! *Sarcasm check* |
| .: The strip is getting old | |
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Bird up, playa These goddam pigeons, or whatever they are, kept landing on us during pictures. Charles seems to have lost his shirt again. |
COVER YOUR EYES! This lady is training assassin parrots. Beware! One second you're walking down the strip, next second you have less money in your wallet, hmm. The red one is the best. |
| .: One last time.... | |
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Shots, YUM! The look in my eyes expresses how excited I was to be swallowing venom for the third night in a row. |
Hola, Brasil. That magic water I drank earlier has taken effect. Andrey agrees. PS - Spot the ghost of Spring Break past in this picture. |
| .: The grand finale | |
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"..." This, I affirm, was a high point. Another ghost? Apparently the camera was drunk, too. |
*blink blink* Not that I claim to be an expert on such matters.... but that bikini is at least 3 sizes too small. See if I complain. |
| .: Yep. | |
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"Ooh" I think this was around the time I began suspecting the girl on the right had a penis. |
"Aah" About that time, eh chap? ...righto. |
| .: And a little more | |
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"Houstin, come in..." The eagle has landed. |
Orgasm contest? A few of these girls almost provoked orgasms elsewhere. |
| .: 0wned | |
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"Man down" Good thing the car ride home was only 8 hours (with a torrential rain bonus). |
"Good eye, sniper." The hangover also enhanced the return trip, how could I forget? These assholes don't know we drove through tornadoes and shit. |
| .: Here's to excess, the American way. | |
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We survived? Though medical science would deny it possible, we returned from Key West with all 7 men, despite consuming 9 bottles of liquor in 3 days. 'Tis lamentable, really... the best memories of my youth, forever clouded by a cinnamon-scented, 87-proof haze. Key West, you were one shady, hobo-infested piss bucket of a gay tourist town... But you showed us a good time. Until next year.... D Murda OUT. |
Brought to you by: |
| .: Derek Clark - March 2005 | |
